"Understand your full value. When you do that, you are honoring God."
I read this little phrase in a Twitter post and something broke within me. Like I took to heart what those words meant for the first time. It was one of those sobbing-on-the-floor in repentance because you see how good God is kind of revelations.
Don’t you just hate those moments? I mean, love them? Ouch.
Understand your full VALUE.
People are always telling me that God has big things for me, that I have this calling on my life. It’s been a thing since I was little. I embraced it at one point but believed that I had to DO something to make myself valuable. When I couldn’t do that I started responding to these comments in a less-than-receiving way.
The past couple of years I’ve battled with crippling depression and feeling worthless and undeserving of life. I felt like I failed to live up to who I am supposed to be and how could God ever make anything good out of my messes?
I stopped believing that I had value at all. I walked right into the I’m-not-special, I just want to be normal, why do I have to be so different, way of living. I didn’t WANT to live in my value anymore, I didn’t want that responsibility, that pressure, to be something that I felt I couldn’t be.
And today, well it’s just another “normal” morning sipping coffee, and my heart shifts. God comes and reveals and corrects and reminds me who I am in that firm yet gentle love. Oh, how it’s hard when my eyes are opened to something that I don’t really want to see. Yet I know it’s good. I know it’s truth. I know it’s God.
Who am I to say that I’m not valuable?
I don’t have the right to choose that. I don’t get to say I’m worthless and choose to not engage in who I am.
God doesn’t ask us to give ourselves value. That pressure was never supposed to be there. Our value is already given to us. I can’t change who I am. I can’t change my value. I can only choose whether to embrace that or to walk away. It's so freeing to realize that I don’t have to or get to create the value of my life. I only have to be willing to engage in the fullness of the value I already have.