I believe there's a God. I believe that He's good.
That pretty much sums up my faith beliefs right now. I used to think that if I did everything right then everything would go right. If I followed the Bible and God the best I knew how, then everything else would fall into place.
Instead of everything falling into place I found myself barely breathing in a sea of depression, anxiety and fear. Instead of happily ever after and dreams come true, I was struggling to eat and sleep and just stay alive. Instead of happiness and joy, I found anger and resentment towards a God who wasn't who I thought He was.
Everything changed. Everything.
When you prove a belief wrong you can't go back to that belief. I can't go back to believing that if my heart is in the right place then everything will work out for me.
My heart was to honor God, to live a good life, to love people. Unknowingly though, my actions didn't line up with that. I eventually found myself hurting the people I loved, not being able to put an end to addictive behaviors, and trying extremely hard to be perfect and not make mistakes.
It was then that I discovered grace. It was then I discovered integrity. It was then that I discovered love.
It was in the midst of addiction and pain and anger, that my friends loved me so deeply that I realized I was worthy of love no matter what I was doing. And this led me to finding a God who deeply loved me. It was in the midst of excruciating pain that I discovered a grace so beautiful, so radiant, so divine, that nothing could ever phase it. It was when I learned that integrity was important, that no matter where my heart was, what mattered was my actions. What I said and what I did had to line up. Love is shown through how we live, not just what we say.
And God, he's not who I thought. He's much better.