I'm a bit of a dreamer. Okay, more than a bit.
Always thinking ahead to what's next or setting goals and wondering what could be.
I'm guessing you have a lot of dreams too. Maybe some big ones. You know, those world-changing kind. Little ones too, like the dream of your own home or learning a new skill. I used to think that as long as I was moving forward and setting steps toward my goals that eventually they would come to be. I'm creative and a hard worker and I've always found a way to make things happen so it only seemed natural.
This year though, I've realized that life doesn't always work that way. That I am way more out of control of my life than I ever thought possible. That maybe it doesn't really matter that I want to start a non-profit in India and speak and write and travel. That maybe I don't have as many choices about my life as I thought I did.
Because this year, it didn't seem like life cared about my dreams.
I have goals, but life... life has obstacles. Like depression, and trauma, adrenal fatigue, broken relationships and lack of finances.
And the obstacles get you to start believing negative thoughts like "I'll never be able to do what I feel called to," and "I'd rather give up than live like this" and "does God actually care?"
This year, hope didn't come naturally, I had to search for it and have others hope for me and with me. I have always lived with much faith. Believing that the impossible could happen, and I'm asking for that kind of faith to be in my life again.
I'm realizing that life isn't so much about my dreams, as about the way I'm loving people and God and if I'm being grateful in the process.
In honesty I'll say that I didn't do that well this year, at all, but I'm learning. It's the smallest moments of gratitude. They all add up. Watching the sunset. The hot cup of coffee. The laughter and pain shared with the ones you love.
Today I'm thankful for a friend who called me rather than for something extravagant like a plane ticket around the world. I've spent my whole adult life on a mission to make a difference in the world and have had the privilege of been involved in a lot of incredible things working for global change. One day I hope to get back to that. But in this in-between season, the meaning of life hasn't changed and I don't want to miss out on what this season is about.
Today. It's beautiful. Today I'm learning to love deeply, and to make a difference in my own heart first.
I still believe in my dreams. I still believe God gave those dreams. I will still fight for them and work towards them and remind God what He promised me. But I will do it with grace and not with entitlement, I will do it with faith and not fear. And in the meantime,
I'm going to learn to enjoy the part of my life between want-to and have-done.