Are You Hiding From Yourself? | On Speaking Truth.

I've always been good at hiding, at running away, at removing the possibility of being hurt. It's so much easier to put up walls than to let people know how you're really feeling. It's easier to lose the relationship than to try and fix it. It's easier to pretend everything is fine instead of having the hard conversation. This is how my life went for so many years. I didn't know it at the time, that I was taking the easy way out. I didn't know there was another way. Now I do. 

Truth does that. It shows you the things you didn't know about yourself. It shows up and if you choose to embrace it, the walls come down. Changing your ways becomes easier. Choosing the hard and vulnerable but oh, so much better way of living becomes possible. 

Now I know that showing up in relationships is the best thing I could ever do with my life, that choosing to have the hard conversations pays off, that choosing to be intentional in showing up as who you are matters. That taking the risk to be fully yourself makes a difference in your life and the lives of those around you. This is the hard work. This is the beautiful work. This can change your life. 

I've found this in my creative endeavors too. I want to write a book. I want to help creatives have a great online presence. Somewhere along the way I decided to believe that I wasn't good enough. Enter this new collaboration idea I've been dwelling on for weeks. It's a great idea, just maybe not a right this minute idea. I realized that I'm hiding behind coming up with more ideas and moving my energy from my book writing to include other people in a collaboration because I don't truly believe I have anything to offer on my own. Truth. Sometimes it doesn't feel so great, but truth will always, always set us free. I haven't written anything in weeks, I've been distracting myself with all the other things, and realizing this, here I am, showing up. Showing up for myself, as myself. Showing up for you, too. 

I don't want to spend my life hiding behind others, running away from myself or refusing to show up as who I really am. I choose to believe that I'm enough. That showing up as me in the world is the best thing I can do with my life. I choose to tell myself the truth, instead of making up stories that self-protect and lead me down a wrong path, causing me to hide and run. I choose to embrace my life. 


Are you telling yourself any stories that aren't true? 

What areas can you speak truth to? 


And Then Came January.

When did January happen? This new year crept up on me so fast. I have to admit, I wasn't quite ready.

Christmas didn't quite seem like Christmas this year. I'm not sure why. My sister made the same remark, so I know it wasn't just me being in a funk, it was as if that celebratory feel just came up missing. I didn't listen to a ton of Christmas music or send out any Christmas cards, everything was mostly quiet over here at home. I spent some time baking - my favorite thing about the holiday season. I organized some of my house, worked on a few projects. 

And then New Years came and went and suddenly I'm back to work and it's 2017. I haven't come up with my goals for the year yet (other than one big one I have) and I have a word for the year in the back of my mind, but haven't quite thought it through yet enough to write or talk about it. I had every intention of spending New Year's weekend reflecting on last year and preparing for the New Year, but it simply didn't happen. My heart wasn't in it and I was feeling sick, so I curled up with Netflix all weekend instead. It was perfect. 

Here's the thing, in spite of the weird transition to the new year, I know 2017 is going to be great! I don't know what it will look like or what it will bring to my life, I'm just aware of consistent sense of anticipating good things. I'm speaking LIFE over this year. 

My favorite part about the New Year is that feeling of having a clean slate. I love the freshness of a new season. The goal-setting, the creative process and the dreaming and thinking and preparing, I don't want to miss it. So I'm slowing down. I'll take the time to go over goals and reflect on what I'm learning sometime during the next few weeks, but I won't have the pressure to "get it done" and will be able to enjoy the process and tap into my heart and mind rather than creating a list of half-hearted resolutions that won't be kept. Though, of course I want to lose 20 pounds and eat healthier! So there is that...

If you're with me and haven't quite figured out all your goals and plans for the year. It's okay. I'm giving myself permission to breathe and let life work itself out rather than trying to control everything. To slow the rush of doing all-the-things and giving myself time to focus on one or two big goals for the year rather than all those small things that one only wants in theory. I'm surrendering to what is, instead of keeping a fist-clenching hold onto expectations. It's so good. 

Join me? 

P.S. My Christmas tree is still up, too. I like it that way!